ADHD

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD last week. I have talked with several doctors over the years and they each dismissed my concerns as symptoms of my anxiety, depression, and PTSD. About a year ago, I found a checklist on the Additude website and started crying because it almost described me 100%. I printed out the checklist and took it to my psychiatrist. He was still not convinced and told me I would have to make an appointment with their office in Raleigh for very extensive and expensive testing. I honestly felt like I was being accused of just trying to get ADHD medications. I decided to contact Dr. James Byassee, the doctor who diagnosed both Jarrod and Joseph. We met a couple of times and I completed LOTS of rating scales. Jarrod also had some homework to complete. After reviewing the scores, Dr. Byassee said that I clearly met the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis.

On one of the rating scales, I had to reflect on my childhood. I was a rule follower and was terrified to get in trouble; however, I clearly remember having to stay inside during recess or other fun activities to finish incomplete work (especially math). One year, a substitute became upset because I hadn’t finished a math worksheet when everyone else was done. My peers spoke up and told her it takes me longer to finish, because “Dana’s not good at math.” I remember having to stay inside from recess in kindergarten because I didn’t follow directions and incorrectly completed a cut and paste worksheet.

I’ve always struggled with self esteem and confidence issues. I am very easily embarrassed and can be the brunt of jokes. I am always running late, even if I wake up super early! I forget things, misunderstand directions, and procrastinate on everything.

When I’ve talked to people about ADHD, they frequently tell me I always seem to “have it all together.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. They don’t see me in tears at home trying to find something I lost or exhausted at 2:00 in the morning trying to finish IEP paperwork. I’ve been called lazy and told I need to apply myself more. A friend saw one of my to do lists and laughed because it was broken down into such simple steps, such as brush teeth, shower, get dressed, take medicine, feed dogs, etc. She asked why in the world I would need a list to remind me to do these things and I explained that without the list, I would lose track of time or get consumed by something else. Mornings are pure hell for me! Not only do I have to get myself ready, but I have to get my kids up and out the door. When school start times changed and I was supposed to be at work by 7:00, life became extremely stressful and miserable.

Dr. Byassee encouraged me to also look at the positive aspects of having ADHD. I have lots of great ideas and when I’m able to delegate to others I can accomplish great things. For almost 6 years I’ve organized weekly dinners at the Ronald McDonald House. I’ve learned tricks to help this be a success, such as choosing 5 or 6 menus and rotating through them instead of trying to think of something different each week. I created lists of items needed for each meal, then I simply copy and paste those lists on Facebook.

I am including the link and a copy of the questions from the Additude checklist at the end of this Blog post. The next step in my journey is finding a psychiatrist who is open to this new diagnosis. I will do my best to keep you all posted!





https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/



ADHD Symptoms in Adult Women


Do you feel overwhelmed in stores, at the office, or at parties? Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others?


Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals?


Do you often shut down in the middle of the day, feeling assaulted? Do requests for “one more thing” put you over the top emotionally?


Are you spending most of your time coping, looking for things, catching up, or covering up? Do you avoid people because of this?


Have you stopped having people over to your house because you’re ashamed of the mess?


Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook?


Do you often feel as if life is out of control, and that it’s impossible to meet demands?


Do you feel like you’re always at one end of a deregulated activity spectrum — either a couch potato or a tornado?


Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them?


Do you start each day determined to get organized, and end each day feeling defeated?


Have you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by?


Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals?


Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you notes or send birthday cards?


Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives?


Is all your time and energy taken up with coping, staying organized, and holding it together, with no time for fun or relaxation?


Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor?

April 27th

There have been several times in the past few months when I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.” Working full time, doctor and dentist appointments, extracurricular activities, volunteering, home responsibilities...it has all gotten very overwhelming. We are thankful that Jarrod has a steady job right now, but working 6am-6pm means all morning and afterschool responsibilities fall on me. Almost every morning starts with STRESS! Work has been stressful with meetings/testing and trying to make sure my students are getting what they need from me. There’s very little time to complete any paperwork at school, so my nights are spent writing IEPs or completing other paperwork. This past week I had 6 meetings. I was up past midnight at least 2 nights. There is rarely a day after school when there are no plans. Mondays are Durham Children’s Choir rehearsals, Tuesdays are Ronald McDonald House, Wednesdays are Staff Meetings/Curriculum Committees after school, Thursdays are typically our appointment days, and Fridays are usually spent curled up on the bed or couch passed out from exhaustion.

The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride of emotions! Last night we noticed our cat acting strange. I decided to keep a close eye on him and make an appointment if things got worse. I needed to finish paperwork for 3 IEP meetings and finally got to sleep at 2am. When my 5am alarm went off I was EXHAUSTED. I fed the cat and watched him for a little while. He jumped in our bathtub and tried to pee, but when I looked all I saw were a few drops of blood. That really worried me. I waited until exactly 7am and called the vet. They said I could bring him in and drop him off for the day. Unfortunately we didn’t have a carrier because we haven’t needed to take him to the vet since we’ve had him. I put him in our car and he settled in at Eli’s feet. After dropping Abby off at preschool, the boys and I took him to North Paw. They let me borrow a carrier to bring him inside the office. I’ve never taken a cat to the vet, but today I became an expert on the subject! I opened the carrier, picked up the cat, and easily placed him inside….NOT! He went wacko and got away from me. He took off across the parking lot. Joseph finally got close enough to him to grab him. He put him back inside the car. Then I climbed inside with the carrier. After wrestling with him, I finally got him in the carrier and closed the door. When all of this excitement was over, I had to drop off Joseph at his bus stop and make it to school for my 8am IEP meeting. I knew I would be a couple minutes late, so I sent a message to the parents. Thankfully they weren’t waiting for me at school because they were also running late. These extremely thoughtful parents brought me a Frappucino from Starbucks! I couldn’t have made it through the 3 meetings without that caffeine boost! The rest of my school day was uneventful, thank goodness!

After school, I talked to the vet. Our cat will be fine, but our budget was destroyed! He is totally worth it, but after we eat beans and rice for a month to save money I might have a different opinion (kidding!) At some point I was looking at Facebook and saw a post offering free tickets to Nashville Songwriters at DPAC. Earlier in the week I had considered buying discounted tickets from a good friend, but unfortunately Jarrod wouldn’t be able to go with me because he’s been working late all week (12+ hours a day). He didn’t think he would be able to stay awake. When I saw the post offering free tickets, I decided to claim them and take Joseph. After picking up Abby and the cat, we got everyone settled at home. Joseph and I left for the DPAC and knew we needed to hurry or we would be late. As we were quickly making our way to our seats, a DPAC employee walked up and offered us front row seats with wristbands for the lounge with free snacks and drinks (every teenager’s dream!) We were so shocked and thankful!

One cute Joseph story: The lady asked him if he’d ever sat in the front row and he replied, “No, but I’ve sang on the stage.” She was impressed!

The show was AMAZING! Joseph especially liked songwriter J.T. Harding. After singing his new high energy song, he tossed his guitar pick to Joseph. I didn’t think the night could get much better for him, but it did. After the show, we saw J.T. and I asked if he would take a picture with Joseph. He recognized Joseph from the audience and chatted with him for several minutes. Then he gave him another guitar pick with an emoji donut on it! He told us to look him up on Instagram and keep him updated on how Joseph is doing. Joseph has been on Cloud 9 for the rest of the night!

I’m so thankful that my stressful morning turned into an absolutely amazing night! We are so extremely blessed. I could probably spend the next hour writing about more of the details of our night, but only getting 3 hours of sleep last night is definitely catching up with me! Time to turn everything off and hopefully get a full night’s sleep!

1996

I am continuing to write about each year of our marriage. I slacked off for a while, but I'm ready to get started again. Here is our story for 1996.

In 1996, Jarrod decided to take a job back in Durham working for Globe Communications. He would live at his mom’s during the week and come home to me in Wilmington on the weekends. When he brought up the idea to me I was furious. How could he just leave me like that? I felt like I was being abandoned. We actually argued about it a lot and I spent several therapy sessions discussing my feelings with my counselor. She encouraged me to use the time alone to focus on things I enjoy and spend time with friends.

I decided to apply to be an orientation leader for students new to UNCW. The application and interview process was intense and I was thrilled when I found out I was chosen for this special opportunity.  I was required to live on campus with other orientation leaders for a month. My lodging and food were provided and I would be paid.  Since Jarrod was working in Durham, this would keep me busy. I had to find something to do with Georgie for a month while I was away from the apartment. Nanny was happy to watch her for us and Georgie was spoiled rotten for a month!

During this time I was also serving as President of my sorority, Sigma Sigma Sigma. Unfortunately, I was easily swayed by others and made some decisions that I regret. I take full responsibility for those decisions, because ultimately I was the one in charge. I learned a lot and decided that being in charge is not one of my strengths. I would never want to be in administration. After my term as president was over, I became the Rush Coordinator (the name was later changed to Recruitment instead of Rush). I loved that position! I planned events, delegated responsibilities, and had lots of fun motivating my sorority sisters during a typically stressful time.

In July, Hurricane Bertha hit the North Carolina coast. I was taking summer classes at the time and we missed a few days. In September, Hurricane Fran hit our area and brought a lot of devastation to North Carolina. I decided to go stay with Nanny in Stem, but Jarrod decided to stay with our friend Tony who lived close to Carolina Beach. He admitted that he was extremely scared when Fran hit. He said the winds were so loud that it sounded like the house was going to blow away. I thought I would be safe staying with Nanny; however, Fran actually moved inland and seemed to follow I-40. Nanny lived in a double wide trailer and we could hear trees falling all around us.. Nanny was without power for almost 2 weeks. I missed quite a bit of school because UNCW was closed. I remember one of my professors lost his house and was living in a camper when we finally returned to classes.

Overall, 1996 was a busy year, but we learned a lot about ourselves during that time.

PTSD

I know I need to tell part of my story...I'm not sure where to start or even what to share, but it has been weighing heavily on me to just start writing...

Last July, after spending a week in the hospital due to Postpartum Depression (PPD), I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My psychiatrist added this diagnosis due to intense feelings that I needed to protect my children and strong fear when they were away from me. I also became startled easily and had recurring bad dreams. After discussing part of my history, he definitely felt that I have PTSD and my intense birth experience with Abby, along with the PPD, triggered the return of PTSD symptoms. I've been thinking a lot about different traumatic experiences from my childhood, especially after recently losing my mother and grandmother.

While looking for pictures for my grandmother's memorial DVD, I came across this picture...

I debated whether or not to share that picture. Eventually I decided it is important for people to see it. Some people may not agree with my decision, but this is my story to tell.

My mother was abused by my stepfather and I witnessed a lot of the abuse. When I was in 5th grade they took me away from my grandparents and we lived in Missouri for a year. My grandparents had no idea where I was until they hired a private investigator to find us. (I will share more about that story another time.) At first, things were fun (I thought my grandparents knew where we were.) After a few months all Hell broke loose. My stepfather, Daryle, could be a nice guy, but when he was angry he was pure EVIL. I saw him beat her with a bicycle chain, throw a chair across the room and knock her out cold, punch and kick her until she was unconscious...many times I thought she was dead, but somehow she survived. I just knew he would kill her one day....but he didn't. She died in September (2014) from Lung Cancer.

As a teacher, I look at my 5th graders and my heart breaks because I am sure that some of them are experiencing things that no child should have to endure. I was that 5th grader. I was usually shy and quiet, I always followed the rules. I also loved my mama. I had opportunities to leave that situation, but I wanted to be with her, to try to protect her. I was afraid of how bad he would beat her if I weren't there to try to stop him. He only hit me one time. He was beating my mom and I started pounding on his back to make him stop. He turned around and backhanded me, knocking me to the floor. I was just so glad that he stopped beating her.

The purpose of this story is not to blame or shame my mother. I am writing this because people need to see her face...the face of an abused and broken woman. These faces shouldn't be hidden. Maybe by seeing her face conversations can start about ways to end domestic violence and support the victims and their families.

I am ending this post because I'm afraid I will start to ramble. Please know that I am very open about my past and will answer any questions that you have...feel free to leave a comment or send me a private message.

1995

In January of 1995, our family grew by 4 feet! We got our first dog, Georgie, from our friend Cheryl. Georgie was the cutest puppy! We spoiled her rotten. Unfortunately, we didn’t learn the importance of crate training and she chewed on everything when we weren’t home. Georgie had severe separation anxiety. We tried obedience classes and medication, but a few years later we found out that getting another dog was the answer for her anxiety. Georgie loved going to the beach and to the park. We would take her to UNCW’s campus and let her run around. She would always stay close to us and we weren’t afraid of her running away. I remember one day driving down the road and suddenly hearing a horrible sound. I looked over and Georgie had stepped on the automatic window controller and rolled her head up in the car window! That scared me so much, but she was fine.

Jarrod and I were so excited to move to a triplex unit on Montclair Drive. We now had 2 bedrooms and our own washer/dryer connections. We felt like the Jeffersons….movin’ on up! We became good friends with our neighbors, Stanley and Dwanda. They were an older couple and they loved Georgie so much that they would sometimes keep her for us if we went out of town.

I was still in school at UNCW and working with Xander after school. Jarrod took EMT classes at Cape Fear Community College. He began working for MTS, which was a medical transportation company. He was also volunteering with Pender East EMS. During fall break we took a trip to Asheville to celebrate our anniversary. We visited Biltmore House and had a great time, even though the weather wasn’t great.

Unfortunately, the “honeymoon phase” was ending and we were having a hard time learning how to resolve conflicts. After growing up witnessing a lot of violent situations, I wasn’t good at disagreeing respectfully. Typically, when Jarrod and I were arguing he would shut down. That would always make me SO MAD! I wanted a reaction from him. When he would stop talking and ignore me, my temper would boil over. He would say, “Whatever” and walk away. One night, I was so angry that I picked up a softball and said, “Say goodbye to your computer.” He said, “Do it, I don’t care.” Well, that made me furious. I turned and threw the softball at him instead. He had a glass of tea in his hand and he tossed it in my face. It was all over me and all over the room. I was stunned and couldn’t believe he did that. After that, I started going to counseling to deal with anger issues and learn appropriate ways to handle conflicts. One of our pictures still has a tea stain at the bottom. I was going to replace it, but we decided to save it as a reminder of how far we’ve come and how hard we’ve fought for our marriage.  

One Year

Last October, I attended an annual scrapbooking retreat with some of my favorite ladies in the world! I had no idea how drastically my life would change in the next year.

Since last year’s retreat…..

I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to have another baby without medical intervention...we later found out I was already pregnant at that appointment.

My father-in-law passed away (Jarrod’s stepfather).

I experienced heavy bleeding and thought I was losing the baby. It was actually partial placenta previa.

Jarrod was hospitalized with severe pancreatitis.

We found out we were having a GIRL! :)

Our 13 year old dog, Colby, had to be put to sleep.

Two months later, our 15 year old dog, Gracie, had to be put to sleep.

Abby was born after a very fast, and somewhat scary, delivery.

I was hospitalized for Postpartum Depression.

My mother passed away.

My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Now I am back at the retreat and taking some time to reflect on the unexpected challenges (and joys) of the past year. I am hoping that writing about some of these experiences will help with my continued recovery and healing.

Love

How do I know Jarrod loves me? 

With tears in his eyes, he took Abby from my arms and walked out of room 4101...leaving me in the Perinatal Pyschiatry Inpatient Unit at UNC. I remember saying, "If I asked you to take me home, would you?" He shook his head and said, "No." I knew I had to stay, but I felt alone, abandoned, ashamed, afraid...what kind of mother leaves her 9 day old baby? How could this possibly help me? 

The night before I went to the hospital was my lowest point. I felt completely hopeless, everything seemed so dark. I felt like a robot...I ate when Jarrod told me to eat or when someone brought food. Honestly, everything from that week seems a little "fuzzy." I tried to act like everything was normal...that afternoon I took the boys to school to meet their teachers. We went to Staples to get some school supplies. I figured if I got back into a regular routine everything would be fine. 

Nighttime was always hardest for me. I would try so hard to keep it all together during the day, but at night I couldn't keep pretending and would fall apart. I would hold Jarrod and cry for what seemed like hours. I felt so bad for him because all he could do was hold me and tell me it would be ok. Because I had been through this twice before, in my mind I knew it would be ok...but when you're going through a deep depression it seems like it will never end...it feels like it will NEVER get better. It is the darkest, most suffocating feeling that you can imagine. It wasn't rational and didn't make sense to me. I looked at Abby and was filled with so much love...how could I also be filled with overwhelming sadness at the same time?! 

That Thursday night as Jarrod held me while I cried, he said, "I just want my wife back." He loves me so much that he was willing to do whatever it took to help me get better...even if it meant taking Abby and walking out of that hospital room.