1996

I am continuing to write about each year of our marriage. I slacked off for a while, but I'm ready to get started again. Here is our story for 1996.

In 1996, Jarrod decided to take a job back in Durham working for Globe Communications. He would live at his mom’s during the week and come home to me in Wilmington on the weekends. When he brought up the idea to me I was furious. How could he just leave me like that? I felt like I was being abandoned. We actually argued about it a lot and I spent several therapy sessions discussing my feelings with my counselor. She encouraged me to use the time alone to focus on things I enjoy and spend time with friends.

I decided to apply to be an orientation leader for students new to UNCW. The application and interview process was intense and I was thrilled when I found out I was chosen for this special opportunity.  I was required to live on campus with other orientation leaders for a month. My lodging and food were provided and I would be paid.  Since Jarrod was working in Durham, this would keep me busy. I had to find something to do with Georgie for a month while I was away from the apartment. Nanny was happy to watch her for us and Georgie was spoiled rotten for a month!

During this time I was also serving as President of my sorority, Sigma Sigma Sigma. Unfortunately, I was easily swayed by others and made some decisions that I regret. I take full responsibility for those decisions, because ultimately I was the one in charge. I learned a lot and decided that being in charge is not one of my strengths. I would never want to be in administration. After my term as president was over, I became the Rush Coordinator (the name was later changed to Recruitment instead of Rush). I loved that position! I planned events, delegated responsibilities, and had lots of fun motivating my sorority sisters during a typically stressful time.

In July, Hurricane Bertha hit the North Carolina coast. I was taking summer classes at the time and we missed a few days. In September, Hurricane Fran hit our area and brought a lot of devastation to North Carolina. I decided to go stay with Nanny in Stem, but Jarrod decided to stay with our friend Tony who lived close to Carolina Beach. He admitted that he was extremely scared when Fran hit. He said the winds were so loud that it sounded like the house was going to blow away. I thought I would be safe staying with Nanny; however, Fran actually moved inland and seemed to follow I-40. Nanny lived in a double wide trailer and we could hear trees falling all around us.. Nanny was without power for almost 2 weeks. I missed quite a bit of school because UNCW was closed. I remember one of my professors lost his house and was living in a camper when we finally returned to classes.

Overall, 1996 was a busy year, but we learned a lot about ourselves during that time.

PTSD

I know I need to tell part of my story...I'm not sure where to start or even what to share, but it has been weighing heavily on me to just start writing...

Last July, after spending a week in the hospital due to Postpartum Depression (PPD), I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My psychiatrist added this diagnosis due to intense feelings that I needed to protect my children and strong fear when they were away from me. I also became startled easily and had recurring bad dreams. After discussing part of my history, he definitely felt that I have PTSD and my intense birth experience with Abby, along with the PPD, triggered the return of PTSD symptoms. I've been thinking a lot about different traumatic experiences from my childhood, especially after recently losing my mother and grandmother.

While looking for pictures for my grandmother's memorial DVD, I came across this picture...

I debated whether or not to share that picture. Eventually I decided it is important for people to see it. Some people may not agree with my decision, but this is my story to tell.

My mother was abused by my stepfather and I witnessed a lot of the abuse. When I was in 5th grade they took me away from my grandparents and we lived in Missouri for a year. My grandparents had no idea where I was until they hired a private investigator to find us. (I will share more about that story another time.) At first, things were fun (I thought my grandparents knew where we were.) After a few months all Hell broke loose. My stepfather, Daryle, could be a nice guy, but when he was angry he was pure EVIL. I saw him beat her with a bicycle chain, throw a chair across the room and knock her out cold, punch and kick her until she was unconscious...many times I thought she was dead, but somehow she survived. I just knew he would kill her one day....but he didn't. She died in September (2014) from Lung Cancer.

As a teacher, I look at my 5th graders and my heart breaks because I am sure that some of them are experiencing things that no child should have to endure. I was that 5th grader. I was usually shy and quiet, I always followed the rules. I also loved my mama. I had opportunities to leave that situation, but I wanted to be with her, to try to protect her. I was afraid of how bad he would beat her if I weren't there to try to stop him. He only hit me one time. He was beating my mom and I started pounding on his back to make him stop. He turned around and backhanded me, knocking me to the floor. I was just so glad that he stopped beating her.

The purpose of this story is not to blame or shame my mother. I am writing this because people need to see her face...the face of an abused and broken woman. These faces shouldn't be hidden. Maybe by seeing her face conversations can start about ways to end domestic violence and support the victims and their families.

I am ending this post because I'm afraid I will start to ramble. Please know that I am very open about my past and will answer any questions that you have...feel free to leave a comment or send me a private message.

1995

In January of 1995, our family grew by 4 feet! We got our first dog, Georgie, from our friend Cheryl. Georgie was the cutest puppy! We spoiled her rotten. Unfortunately, we didn’t learn the importance of crate training and she chewed on everything when we weren’t home. Georgie had severe separation anxiety. We tried obedience classes and medication, but a few years later we found out that getting another dog was the answer for her anxiety. Georgie loved going to the beach and to the park. We would take her to UNCW’s campus and let her run around. She would always stay close to us and we weren’t afraid of her running away. I remember one day driving down the road and suddenly hearing a horrible sound. I looked over and Georgie had stepped on the automatic window controller and rolled her head up in the car window! That scared me so much, but she was fine.

Jarrod and I were so excited to move to a triplex unit on Montclair Drive. We now had 2 bedrooms and our own washer/dryer connections. We felt like the Jeffersons….movin’ on up! We became good friends with our neighbors, Stanley and Dwanda. They were an older couple and they loved Georgie so much that they would sometimes keep her for us if we went out of town.

I was still in school at UNCW and working with Xander after school. Jarrod took EMT classes at Cape Fear Community College. He began working for MTS, which was a medical transportation company. He was also volunteering with Pender East EMS. During fall break we took a trip to Asheville to celebrate our anniversary. We visited Biltmore House and had a great time, even though the weather wasn’t great.

Unfortunately, the “honeymoon phase” was ending and we were having a hard time learning how to resolve conflicts. After growing up witnessing a lot of violent situations, I wasn’t good at disagreeing respectfully. Typically, when Jarrod and I were arguing he would shut down. That would always make me SO MAD! I wanted a reaction from him. When he would stop talking and ignore me, my temper would boil over. He would say, “Whatever” and walk away. One night, I was so angry that I picked up a softball and said, “Say goodbye to your computer.” He said, “Do it, I don’t care.” Well, that made me furious. I turned and threw the softball at him instead. He had a glass of tea in his hand and he tossed it in my face. It was all over me and all over the room. I was stunned and couldn’t believe he did that. After that, I started going to counseling to deal with anger issues and learn appropriate ways to handle conflicts. One of our pictures still has a tea stain at the bottom. I was going to replace it, but we decided to save it as a reminder of how far we’ve come and how hard we’ve fought for our marriage.  

One Year

Last October, I attended an annual scrapbooking retreat with some of my favorite ladies in the world! I had no idea how drastically my life would change in the next year.

Since last year’s retreat…..

I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to have another baby without medical intervention...we later found out I was already pregnant at that appointment.

My father-in-law passed away (Jarrod’s stepfather).

I experienced heavy bleeding and thought I was losing the baby. It was actually partial placenta previa.

Jarrod was hospitalized with severe pancreatitis.

We found out we were having a GIRL! :)

Our 13 year old dog, Colby, had to be put to sleep.

Two months later, our 15 year old dog, Gracie, had to be put to sleep.

Abby was born after a very fast, and somewhat scary, delivery.

I was hospitalized for Postpartum Depression.

My mother passed away.

My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Now I am back at the retreat and taking some time to reflect on the unexpected challenges (and joys) of the past year. I am hoping that writing about some of these experiences will help with my continued recovery and healing.

Love

How do I know Jarrod loves me? 

With tears in his eyes, he took Abby from my arms and walked out of room 4101...leaving me in the Perinatal Pyschiatry Inpatient Unit at UNC. I remember saying, "If I asked you to take me home, would you?" He shook his head and said, "No." I knew I had to stay, but I felt alone, abandoned, ashamed, afraid...what kind of mother leaves her 9 day old baby? How could this possibly help me? 

The night before I went to the hospital was my lowest point. I felt completely hopeless, everything seemed so dark. I felt like a robot...I ate when Jarrod told me to eat or when someone brought food. Honestly, everything from that week seems a little "fuzzy." I tried to act like everything was normal...that afternoon I took the boys to school to meet their teachers. We went to Staples to get some school supplies. I figured if I got back into a regular routine everything would be fine. 

Nighttime was always hardest for me. I would try so hard to keep it all together during the day, but at night I couldn't keep pretending and would fall apart. I would hold Jarrod and cry for what seemed like hours. I felt so bad for him because all he could do was hold me and tell me it would be ok. Because I had been through this twice before, in my mind I knew it would be ok...but when you're going through a deep depression it seems like it will never end...it feels like it will NEVER get better. It is the darkest, most suffocating feeling that you can imagine. It wasn't rational and didn't make sense to me. I looked at Abby and was filled with so much love...how could I also be filled with overwhelming sadness at the same time?! 

That Thursday night as Jarrod held me while I cried, he said, "I just want my wife back." He loves me so much that he was willing to do whatever it took to help me get better...even if it meant taking Abby and walking out of that hospital room. 

1994

This August, Jarrod and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage! Over the next 3 months I plan to write about each year. Some years were more eventful than others...job changes, big moves, births, deaths. I may not be exact with the order of some events...but I will try to get them as close as possible. I used to keep very detailed calendars and wrote down everything! Once our boys came along I got slack and didn’t keep up with my calendars. This project has helped remind me that I should do a better job of documenting life events.

Of course the best place to start is...1994...the year we got married.

We were young...and crazy...and stubborn! I was 18 and Jarrod was 21. Almost everyone told us we should wait, there was no reason to hurry into marriage, it wouldn’t last. Looking back on it now I can understand their concerns; however, I am a hot tempered, stubborn redhead and the more we were told to wait, the more determined I became! Our journey hasn’t been easy, but by the Grace of God we are still together and much more in love every day.

After finishing my freshman year at UNCW, I started working at Oak Grove Elementary’s summer camp. Jarrod was working as a lifeguard at Homestead Heights Pool. We set our wedding date for Friday, August 5th. We chose a Friday because we didn’t have much time to take off work and we wanted to have all weekend for our short honeymoon. We had talked about going to Disney World for our honeymoon, but quickly realized that wasn’t in the budget. One evening I was listening to the local radio station, G105, and called in to win a “Wayne’s World Prize Pack.” Surprisingly, I was the winner! Part of the prize pack was tickets to King’s Dominion because they were opening a new roller coaster called “The Hurler.” We decided that would be a great place to go on our honeymoon because we love amusement parks!

Our wedding was very small. We decided to get married at Concord Baptist Church in Creedmoor, NC.  I found a dress at a small store in Northgate Mall and it cost around $250. It wasn’t meant to be a wedding dress, but I loved it. There were about 15 people at our wedding, including the preacher. We had no photographer, but someone did video it for us. I remember watching the video and hearing “click click click click” from someone’s disposable camera. Haha! I honestly have no idea where the video is now. For a few years I regretted not having a bigger, more formal wedding; however, after attending and being a part of several BIG weddings I am glad we kept it small. I do not like to be the center of attention at all. I didn’t even walk down the aisle at our wedding. I sat in the front row. When Jarrod and his best man came out from the back, my maid of honor and I stood up and joined them. Cheryl Clement (now Bivins) was my maid of honor and Dennis “Jackie” Farmer was Jarrod’s best man.

After our wedding and honeymoon, we loaded up our things and headed to Wilmington so I could start my sophomore year. Jarrod got a job working at Brendle’s and at some point he did landscaping as well (I’m not sure what year he started that.) I was involved with my sorority and also worked with a family after school each day. The boy I watched, Xander, was in elementary school and he was diabetic. I learned a lot about his diet and medical needs. I picked him up from school each day, helped him with his homework, and stayed until his mother got home. I loved my time with Xander and enjoyed hanging out in their gorgeous historic home in downtown Wilmington.

Jarrod and I lived in College Green Apartments. We had a tiny 1 bedroom apartment! It was only 700 sq. feet, but we were excited about our little apartment and all of our new stuff from our wedding….new towels, dishes, cookware!  Everything was new and exciting. Some people say the first year is the hardest, but for us it was fun and wonderful...but darker times were coming.

Cancer

I received an unusually late phone call from my mom on Friday night, June 14th. I didn't answer it (I rarely answer late phone calls from my mom...that's another story.) The next morning, Jarrod, the boys, and I were on our way to our neices' B'Not Mitzvah when I listened to my voicemail. My mom was telling me that her doctor's office called and told her to go straight to the hospital because her blood sodium level was dangerously low. A few minutes later Raeford called to tell me that Mama was in ICU. I was very surprised, but not panicked because I knew other people who had issues with low blood sodium. It wasn't a "life or death situation." 

The normal blood sodium range is 135-145. When Mama got to the hospital her level was 108. The doctor said at that level she was at risk of a stroke or coma. A week later, we still had no idea why her sodium level was so low. Then a scan of her chest showed areas of concern in her lungs. The doctors suspected cancer...I had no idea that low blood sodium could be caused by lung cancer, but I've learned a lot about it now.

On June 25th, my sister and I, along with our husbands and several of Mama's friends, met with one of the doctors. On my notepad I wrote.....

• small cell lung cancer
• spread through chest
• inoperable
• no cure for this type of cancer
• chemotherapy is an option/maybe radiation (to keep cancer from spreading)
• at least stage 2
• SIADH- causing low sodium levels - can go away with treatment of the cancer
• NCI - National Cancer Institute

I've tried to limit my time with Dr. Google, but I admit I have done a lot of searches on "Small Cell Lung Cancer." What I've read isn't good. 

Through all of this, I am so thankful for my church, friends, family, and coworkers for loving and supporting my family. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Much love to you all!

Dana